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June 5, 2013
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This is a remake of an old journal I made, but it seems like it's happening a lot around here again, so I'll be reiterating and adding more things to it here! Feel free to link anyone to this journal if they're attempting to force friendship on you or are just going about things in the wrong way, and need a little nudge in the right direction.

There /is/ a RIGHT WAY and a WRONG WAY to try to make friends!




Have you ever knew people here on DA that say things to you like "Hey can we be friends?"? Or perhaps they go a step further, and keep popping up randomly and talking like they're your best friend or something? They may comment to others talking about you a lot, or call you by a nickname that only your friends use, write journals about you, send tons of notes or comments to you, jump into your conversations with someone else, or perhaps make a lot of fan-art that makes you uncomfortable?

This is a message for those kinds of people. 

Friendship is not made by asking for it.
Friendship is not made by being a watcher, follower, fan, or supporter.
Friendship is not made by pretending or acting like it's there.
Friendship is not made by commenting randomly on their art and getting a reply from them.
Friendship is not made by sending 29387859325 notes or comments to them a day.
Friendship is not made by talking to someone one time and them happening to be nice to you in their reply!

Come on guys, seriously? This is getting ridiculous.

For those "asking" for friends-  Your attempt to be friends by asking makes you seem desperate, or, as if you just want something from them. You might even be seeming like you're trying to buy or bribe into friendship and that makes people not want to have anything to do with you.

For those forcing yourself onto people to be friends- Your forceful attempt to be friends is actually pushing people away because you're acting creepy or obsessive. You might even be seeming like a stalker, and that makes people not want to have anything to do with you.



All the people on someone's friends list earned their place by being a friend to them. What is a friend? Someone that can cheer you up when you're sad. Someone you spend fun time with. Someone that gives you help when you're in need. Someone who is there for you. It can even be as simple as someone who enjoys your company. Of course, there are several definitions of a friend, but they all have something in common:

It's mutual. Meaning both people accept each other and see their bond as a friendship or acquaintanceship or other relationship between them.

If you still don't get it, think about it this way: Would you walk up to random stranger people on the street, and act like they're your boyfriend/girlfriend, or say "Hey let's be friends"? Calling someone your close friend or asking them to be a close friend (when they do not feel the same) is exactly the same thing, trying to force a relationship that is not there or wanted.

If you ever happen to make someone uncomfortable with your actions, they'd most likely make use of their Block list by putting your username on it. I assure you that most people will put your username in their Blocked Users list and let it sit there for a while.  Or even permanently, because some people get really upset from this kind of behavior. So be mindful of how you communicate!

Maybe when we were little kids, we could make friends just by asking or by being cute or having something that someone else wanted (Remember "Hey I'll be your best friend if you give me that!" ?) but that is not how friendships are formed here. There are boundaries here that are not meant to be crossed without the proper permissions.



Here are some tips to make friends with most people.


1. Common interests. These always bring people together, it gives something to talk about. I personally like things like Pokemon, animals, and video games for example. But just because you share interests doesn't mean that it automatically makes you a friend. You have to talk about it at the right time, and not just randomly. Which brings me to the next point:




2. Tact. Even if you have good intentions, no one wants to see tons of messages, +fav-bombs, and notes from one random person. Have a little finesse and calm yourself down. Instead of rushing to comment on everything they make with one word comments like "cute", actually stop and look at something. Think about it, study it for a bit. And leave a nice detailed comment on what you specifically like about it. I assure you that those special comments we get on here stand out and stay with us for a while. Cookie-cutter comments, even in large volume, remain as a nice gesture... but helpful, time-taking comments are certainly seen as a sentiment.

The concept of needing tact also applies to being overly hyper, excited, paranoid, depressive, etc. in your comments or other messages and communication with someone. While these are common and normal human feelings (in moderation), doing them often they may make you seem as an unstable individual (which most people try to stay away from!). What I'm trying to say is, simply calm down and be yourself. Constant overzealousness and excessive enthusiasm can sometimes make you appear to be annoying, obnoxious, or obsessive. And you definitely don't want that!



3. Respecting boundaries. There is a difference between being genuinely friendly, and prying into personal stuff you're not supposed to be in. Be kind and considerate, but don't try to get more information than someone is willing to share.
Example- random watcher sends this note: 
"Hi, I just wanted to check up on you, you seemed to be down after that last drawing you made. I hope you're ok, please feel better soon! Here's a hug :hug: " 

-This is a nice message, and doesn't pry into business that isn't theirs. If I received a message like this, I would think, "Wow, what a thoughtful person." And I would respect them for respecting my boundaries. I personally would probably thank them later when I was feeling better. Maybe even with a drawing.

A message like this: 
"OMG what's rong?!?! WHO DID THAT TO YOU, I'm going to kick their butt and flame them! Man ppl are just so mean, I totally know how you feel!!"

-This message bothers me because it's prying by asking (rudely, mind you) what is wrong, also a call to action that they don't even understand, AND they're saying they can empathize, even though they know nothing of the situation. I would not reply to this message, and most likely see the sender as an obnoxious or immature person.

Another thing to mention about boundaries is roleplaying. You know, that little *hugs you* or -waves hello- thing that some people do. Often times, it is seen as a cute or friendly gesture. But, some people are made uncomfortable by it, so always make sure that someone is all right with it before doing so. You most likely wouldn't hug or nuzzle a random person you pass by on the street, so be thoughtful in how you do it here. Chances are it's fine in moderation.




4. Sheer luck. You don't become friends intentionally most of the time, you just talk and learn things about each other until you learn so much and enjoy their company so much you consider them a friend and they you. It just happens unconsciously, you can't force it along. And, by trying to force it, usually you never become a friend with them- because they'll remember how you've acted and it will basically be a friendship "turn-off" ingrained in their mind about you... possibly even making them avoid you indefinitely.




5. There's so many more things, why do I even need to spell them out for you? Friendship comes naturally, by being yourself! And if you're not making friends you want, then have you ever thought that you're the problem? Some people just don't "click", and they never will. If this happens, you must accept it and move on. Don't try and force things.

This has been a public service announcement from Amber. Have a wonderful day!

Add a Comment:
 
:iconpockiiboo:
pockiiboo Mar 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I want to make friends-- but I usually never approach<img> anyone, perhaps I'm too scared of rejection; I can't see any other reasons.
I'm socially awkward and everytime I try to make a joke, it somewhat turns into an insult q v q
Reply
:iconauxuris:
Auxuris Mar 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw what, there's no need to be afraid of rejection^^ 

Don't worry about what others think - most people judge others the same way. If your first thought wouldn't be to push someone away, their first instinct wouldn't be to push you away either.
There are millions of people in the world and certainly not everyone will fit each other, but someone who rejects your friendship outright without getting to know you better wouldn't make a very good friend.

Don't dwell on these sort of incidents, ever (: If you're nervous, try just a simple 'hi', it works wonders.
Reply
:iconsense19:
Sense19 Mar 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
  • Wow... This really would helping me alot!... Thanks ^O^ b
:floating: :excited: :floating: :excited: :floating: 
Reply
:iconzoeflameprincess:
ZoeFlamePrincess Sep 30, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
HEHE! I love pokemon 2!!!:happybounce: Meow :3 
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:iconsimopi:
It's good and i totally agree. I know someone who is acting in the wrong way...  The first point is the key, because it's the beginning! But the second is nice too, it's better to leave few but nice comments. True! I think that most of people writes "cute" etc. to conquer the deviant, not because they're excited to support him/her. And it's annoying :/
Reply
:iconmoonwolfyouthotaku:
MoonwolfYouthOtaku Sep 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
After reading this I thought about for a while and realize that take it easy when making friends. True friendships build over time and you need to get to know a person 1 step at a time =)
Reply
:iconfunkitty:
funkitty Sep 2, 2013  Student Digital Artist
i know journal entry this really did help.
I always wanted to make friends on deviantart but i never know what to do (im really shy you know) 
Reply
:iconakatsuu:
Akatsuu Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
wow,

I must say Amber. This is probably the most useful journal I have ever read.

at first, I was extremely nervous about posting this comment because I didn't want to seem like a nuisance to you posting this comment knowing we talked earlier today. Judging from reading this journal I think im more in between with hyperactive and mature. Sure im very hyperactive and im extremely obnoxious and immature sometimes I have to admit that and I bet a lot of people would agree with me. I feel as though im mature when I need to be you know? I've always felt that way like for example. My best friend in this website (and now I know her on facebook) is that type of person that is hyperactive at times and really enjoys my company. When im with someone like you for example im happy and cheerful but im not commenting on your profile with all caps and stuff because I know you wouldn't like that and would think im obsessive and kinda creepy XD. So what im saying is im more hyperactive with my best friend and im more mature when I talk to you. Depending on who it is I do keep a distance from a friend for a period of time because I didn't want to seem obsessive to that person. I have to admit it though I do think people don't like me due to my immaturity and I understand that, I've experienced this. I've been in situations to the point I completely didn't like the person or I didn't trust them at all. I really need to thank you for writing this because this did teach me that being hyperactive and cheerful all the time wont have me make all of the people I meet friends.
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Jul 11, 2013  Professional General Artist
This is an old journal dear, so I hope you don't think it's directed at you or anything :c

But I'm happy to hear you were able to get something from it, that's great! x3 You're sweet, I'm sure you can easily make lots of friends c:
Reply
:iconakatsuu:
Akatsuu Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
nah I don't think its directed to me at all! XD I was going though stuff and I just found it! XD

Thank you so much Amber.. ;w;

I really appreciate how nice you are to me its just... ;; I can't describe how happy you make me sometimes! /CRAIS//

im really glad I found this because I am a pretty hyperactive person and some of the people I encountered seemed to dislike it and didn't want to be my friend because of it. What really bothers me is that when someone doesn't like you but they treat you as if they are your friend or something.... like.. its hard to explain. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I have a feeling that someone I consider a friend completely dislikes me but they treat me as though their my friend... it really upsets me because I'd rather get a really harsh note saying "Hey your really bothering me and I don't want to be your friend blablabla" than have someone treat me as a friend when they really don't like me.... I know this is random but I feel as though I needed to share this with you since were talking about friendships.. ;;
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