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Revisit by H-Everybody-Lies--MD


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June 5, 2013
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This is a remake of an old journal I made, but it seems like it's happening a lot around here again, so I'll be reiterating and adding more things to it here! Feel free to link anyone to this journal if they're attempting to force friendship on you or are just going about things in the wrong way, and need a little nudge in the right direction.

There /is/ a RIGHT WAY and a WRONG WAY to try to make friends!



Wrong Way


Have you ever been asked by someone randomly, "Can we be friends?" ? Or perhaps someone simply acts as if you are their best friend, even when you don't know them. They may comment to others talking about you a lot, or call you by a nickname that only your friends use, write journals about you, send tons of notes or comments to you, "mention" you all the time, jump into your conversations with someone else, or perhaps make a lot of buddy-buddy fan-art that makes you uncomfortable?

This is a message for those kinds of people. 

Friendship is not made by asking for it.
Friendship is not made by being a watcher, follower, fan, or supporter.
Friendship is not made by pretending or acting like it's there.
Friendship is not made by commenting randomly on their art and getting a reply from them.
Friendship is not made by sending 29387859325 notes or comments to them a day.
Friendship is not made by talking to someone one time and them happening to be nice to you in their reply!

Come on guys, seriously? This is getting ridiculous.

For those "asking" for friends-  Your attempt to be friends by asking makes you seem desperate, or, as if you just want something from them. You might even be seeming like you're trying to buy or bribe into friendship depending on how you word things and that makes people not want to have anything to do with you.

A forceful attempt to be friends actually ends up pushing someone away because it's uncomfortable or pressuring for them.




Of course, there are several definitions of a friend, but they all have something in common:
It's mutual. Meaning both people accept each other and see their bond as a friendship or acquaintanceship or other relationship between them.

Calling someone your close friend or asking them to be a close friend (when they do not feel the same) is trying to force a relationship that is not there or wanted, and this only results in making people uncomfortable or upset.


If you ever happen to make someone uncomfortable with pushy actions, they'd most likely make use of their Block list, or if they are kinder, they'd simply put a "little red flag" in their head and avoid you from then on. I assure you that most people will put your username in their block list and let it sit there for a while.  Or even permanently, because some people get really upset from this kind of behavior. So be mindful of how you communicate!

Maybe when we were little kids, we could make friends just by asking or by being cute or having something that someone else wanted (Remember "I'll be your best friend if you give me that!" ?) but that is not how friendships are formed here. We're all big kids now- and there are boundaries here that are not meant to be crossed without the proper permissions.



Right Way


Here are some tips to make friends with most people.


1. Common interests. These always bring people together, it gives something to talk about. For example, my favorite music, video games, or animals may also be in your favorites, and we could talk about those. But just because you share interests doesn't mean that it automatically makes you a friend. You just have to talk about it at the right time. Which brings me to the next point:




2. Tact. Even if you have good intentions, no one wants to see tons of messages, +fav-bombs, and notes from one random person. Have a little finesse and calm yourself down. Spamming every crevice with nonstop attention will make almost anyone feel as if you are kissing up to them. Remember, quality over quantity. Instead of rushing to comment on everything they make with one word comments like "cute", actually stop and look at something. Think about it, study it for a bit. And leave a nice detailed comment on what you specifically like about it. I assure you that those special comments we get on here stand out and stay with us for a while. Cookie-cutter comments, even in large volume, remain as a nice gesture... but helpful, time-taking comments are certainly seen as a sentiment. Don't ever copy-and-paste comments to people. Even with edits, they are just not as profound as leaving a meaningful, unique comment.

The concept of needing tact also applies to being overly hyper, excited, paranoid, depressive, etc. in your comments or other messages and communication with someone. While these are common and normal human feelings (in moderation), doing them often before you know/befriend someone may make you seem as an unstable individual (which most people try to stay away from!).

Avoid putting yourself down in an attempt to compliment someone else, ie. "Wow your work is amazing, I'll never be as good as you" as this tends to force others to feel guilty. Putting yourself down lessens the compliment and turns it into some seemingly passive-aggressive request for an apology or as if you're fishing for compliments. What ends up happening is both people feeling bad, so just don't do it. Be genuine and don't mention or compare yourself!

Inversely, spazzing out can also seen as a bad thing, ie. "OMFG LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL ART AAHDSHG SO INCREDIBLE YOUR SKILLS ARE AMAZING" BUT, it depends on the person. Some people enjoy this high-strung commenting all the time, and some don't. Some only do it with close friends. Pay attention to what the person seems to be comfortable with. Simply calm down and be yourself. Constant over-zealousness and excessive enthusiasm can sometimes make you appear to be annoying, obnoxious, or obsessive. And you definitely don't want that!



3. Respecting boundaries. There is a fine line difference between being genuinely friendly/caring, and prying into personal stuff you're not supposed to be in. Be kind and considerate of others' situations, but don't try to get more information than someone is willing to share.
Example- random watcher sends this note: 
"Hi, I just wanted to check up on you, you seemed to be down after that last vent drawing you made. I hope you're ok, please feel better soon! Here's a hug :hug: " 

-This is a nice message, and doesn't pry into business that isn't theirs. If I received a message like this, I would think, "Wow, what a thoughtful person." And I would respect them for respecting my boundaries. I personally would probably thank them later when I was feeling better. Maybe even with a drawing.

A message like this: 
"Omg I saw your vent art! What happened??? Who would even do that to someone like you? I'd totally go flame them for you if you want! People are just so mean, I really know how you feel!"

-This message bothers me because it's prying by asking (rudely, mind you) what is wrong, also a call to action that they don't even understand, AND they're saying they can empathize, even though they know nothing of the situation. I would not reply to this message, and most likely see the sender as an obnoxious or immature person.

Another thing to mention about boundaries is roleplaying. You know, that little *hugs you* or -waves hello- thing that some people do. Often times, it is seen as a cute or friendly gesture. But, some people are made uncomfortable by it, so always make sure that someone is all right with it before doing so. You most likely wouldn't hug or nuzzle a random person you pass by on the street, so be thoughtful in how you do it here. Chances are it's fine in moderation. The same can be said for excessive use of emoticons like :giggle: or xD.




4. Sheer luck. You don't become friends intentionally most of the time, you just talk and learn things about each other until you learn so much and enjoy their company so much you consider them a friend and they you. It just happens unconsciously, you can't force it along. And, by trying to force it, usually you never become a friend with them- because they'll remember how you've acted and it will basically be a friendship "turn-off" ingrained in their mind about you... possibly even making them avoid you indefinitely.




5. There's so many more things! Friendship comes naturally, by being yourself! And if you're not making friends like you want, then have you ever thought that you're being the problem? Some people just don't "click", and they never will. If this happens, you must accept it and move on. Don't try and force things with people who clearly don't want anything to do with you. It stinks, but you have to respect it.

This has been a public service announcement from Amber. Have a wonderful day!

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:iconfadingwraith:
FadingWraith Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
I should probably get this through my head. Looking at all the things NOT to do and counting how many times you've done them isn't really a good thing i guess ^^; Thank you for making this :3 It helped.
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:iconsunflowerman10:
sunflowerman10 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  New member Hobbyist Digital Artist
so what your saying is just wait.
well i can do that.
Reply
:iconmefan666:
MEfan666 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014
Lol ik ppl who do that. I actually do the opposite though I'm afraid to make any conversation cause that's gonna bother them. Oh we'll, I've become antisocial I guess. Lol
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:iconsadakogi:
Sadakogi Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014
Im finding it a bit hard, but this helped alot thank you very much. :)
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:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Professional General Artist
You can do it!
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:iconsadakogi:
Sadakogi Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2014
It worked, thanks :D
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:iconsadakogi:
Sadakogi Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
Thank you ill try :)
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:iconspark1efountain:
Spark1eFountain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Friendship is not made by asking for it.
Friendship is not made by being a watcher, follower, fan, or supporter.
Friendship is not made by pretending or acting like it's there.
Friendship is not made by commenting randomly on their art and getting a reply from them.
Friendship is not made by sending 29387859325 notes or comments to them a day.
Friendship is not made by talking to someone one time and them happening to be nice to you in their reply!

THANK YOU! Some people need to learn that. :P
Reply
:iconicefeather31:
Icefeather31 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Student General Artist
I don't know how you can tell, does Deviant Art tell you when some one makes you their friend?? 
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