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June 5, 2013
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This is a remake of an old journal I made, but it seems like it's happening a lot around here again, so I'll be reiterating and adding more things to it here! Feel free to link anyone to this journal if they're attempting to force friendship on you or are just going about things in the wrong way, and need a little nudge in the right direction.

There /is/ a RIGHT WAY and a WRONG WAY to try to make friends!



Wrong Way


Have you ever been asked by someone randomly, "Can we be friends?" ? Or perhaps someone simply acts as if you are their best friend, even when you don't know them. They may comment to others talking about you a lot, or call you by a nickname that only your friends use, write journals about you, send tons of notes or comments to you, "mention" you all the time, jump into your conversations with someone else, or perhaps make a lot of buddy-buddy fan-art that makes you uncomfortable?

This is a message for those kinds of people. 

Friendship is not made by asking for it.
Friendship is not made by being a watcher, follower, fan, or supporter.
Friendship is not made by pretending or acting like it's there.
Friendship is not made by commenting randomly on their art and getting a reply from them.
Friendship is not made by sending 29387859325 notes or comments to them a day.
Friendship is not made by talking to someone one time and them happening to be nice to you in their reply!

Come on guys, seriously? This is getting ridiculous.

For those "asking" for friends-  Your attempt to be friends by asking makes you seem desperate, or, as if you just want something from them. You might even be seeming like you're trying to buy or bribe into friendship depending on how you word things and that makes people not want to have anything to do with you.

A forceful attempt to be friends actually ends up pushing someone away because it's uncomfortable or pressuring for them.




Of course, there are several definitions of a friend, but they all have something in common:
It's mutual. Meaning both people accept each other and see their bond as a friendship or acquaintanceship or other relationship between them.

Calling someone your close friend or asking them to be a close friend (when they do not feel the same) is trying to force a relationship that is not there or wanted, and this only results in making people uncomfortable or upset.


If you ever happen to make someone uncomfortable with pushy actions, they'd most likely make use of their Block list, or if they are kinder, they'd simply put a "little red flag" in their head and avoid you from then on. I assure you that most people will put your username in their block list and let it sit there for a while.  Or even permanently, because some people get really upset from this kind of behavior. So be mindful of how you communicate!

Maybe when we were little kids, we could make friends just by asking or by being cute or having something that someone else wanted (Remember "I'll be your best friend if you give me that!" ?) but that is not how friendships are formed here. We're all big kids now- and there are boundaries here that are not meant to be crossed without the proper permissions.



Right Way


Here are some tips to make friends with most people.


1. Common interests. These always bring people together, it gives something to talk about. For example, my favorite music, video games, or animals may also be in your favorites, and we could talk about those. But just because you share interests doesn't mean that it automatically makes you a friend. You just have to talk about it at the right time. Which brings me to the next point:




2. Tact. Even if you have good intentions, no one wants to see tons of messages, +fav-bombs, and notes from one random person. Have a little finesse and calm yourself down. Spamming every crevice with nonstop attention will make almost anyone feel as if you are kissing up to them. Remember, quality over quantity. Instead of rushing to comment on everything they make with one word comments like "cute", actually stop and look at something. Think about it, study it for a bit. And leave a nice detailed comment on what you specifically like about it. I assure you that those special comments we get on here stand out and stay with us for a while. Cookie-cutter comments, even in large volume, remain as a nice gesture... but helpful, time-taking comments are certainly seen as a sentiment. Don't ever copy-and-paste comments to people. Even with edits, they are just not as profound as leaving a meaningful, unique comment.

The concept of needing tact also applies to being overly hyper, excited, paranoid, depressive, etc. in your comments or other messages and communication with someone. While these are common and normal human feelings (in moderation), doing them often before you know/befriend someone may make you seem as an unstable individual (which most people try to stay away from!).

Avoid putting yourself down in an attempt to compliment someone else, ie. "Wow your work is amazing, I'll never be as good as you" as this tends to force others to feel guilty. Putting yourself down lessens the compliment and turns it into some seemingly passive-aggressive request for an apology or as if you're fishing for compliments. What ends up happening is both people feeling bad, so just don't do it. Be genuine and don't mention or compare yourself!

Inversely, spazzing out can also seen as a bad thing, ie. "OMFG LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL ART AAHDSHG SO INCREDIBLE YOUR SKILLS ARE AMAZING" BUT, it depends on the person. Some people enjoy this high-strung commenting all the time, and some don't. Some only do it with close friends. Pay attention to what the person seems to be comfortable with. Simply calm down and be yourself. Constant over-zealousness and excessive enthusiasm can sometimes make you appear to be annoying, obnoxious, or obsessive. And you definitely don't want that!



3. Respecting boundaries. There is a fine line difference between being genuinely friendly/caring, and prying into personal stuff you're not supposed to be in. Be kind and considerate of others' situations, but don't try to get more information than someone is willing to share.
Example- random watcher sends this note: 
"Hi, I just wanted to check up on you, you seemed to be down after that last vent drawing you made. I hope you're ok, please feel better soon! Here's a hug :hug: " 

-This is a nice message, and doesn't pry into business that isn't theirs. If I received a message like this, I would think, "Wow, what a thoughtful person." And I would respect them for respecting my boundaries. I personally would probably thank them later when I was feeling better. Maybe even with a drawing.

A message like this: 
"Omg I saw your vent art! What happened??? Who would even do that to someone like you? I'd totally go flame them for you if you want! People are just so mean, I really know how you feel!"

-This message bothers me because it's prying by asking (rudely, mind you) what is wrong, also a call to action that they don't even understand, AND they're saying they can empathize, even though they know nothing of the situation. I would not reply to this message, and most likely see the sender as an obnoxious or immature person.

Another thing to mention about boundaries is roleplaying. You know, that little *hugs you* or -waves hello- thing that some people do. Often times, it is seen as a cute or friendly gesture. But, some people are made uncomfortable by it, so always make sure that someone is all right with it before doing so. You most likely wouldn't hug or nuzzle a random person you pass by on the street, so be thoughtful in how you do it here. Chances are it's fine in moderation. The same can be said for excessive use of emoticons like :giggle: or xD.




4. Sheer luck. You don't become friends intentionally most of the time, you just talk and learn things about each other until you learn so much and enjoy their company so much you consider them a friend and they you. It just happens unconsciously, you can't force it along. And, by trying to force it, usually you never become a friend with them- because they'll remember how you've acted and it will basically be a friendship "turn-off" ingrained in their mind about you... possibly even making them avoid you indefinitely.




5. There's so many more things! Friendship comes naturally, by being yourself! And if you're not making friends like you want, then have you ever thought that you're being the problem? Some people just don't "click", and they never will. If this happens, you must accept it and move on. Don't try and force things with people who clearly don't want anything to do with you. It stinks, but you have to respect it.

This has been a public service announcement from Amber. Have a wonderful day!

Add a Comment:
 
:iconcrimsonshadowyoukai:
CrimsonShadowYoukai Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I find it a bit hard to make friends on the Internet because I'm shy and will get nervous and I really don't know what to say but I think this will help me :) Thank you for your advice. 
Reply
:iconordinarypainter:
OrdinaryPainter Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  New member
Thanks for your advice. Your advices help me a lot, but I just too shy to make friends with people. I'll try my best.
Reply
:icondman108:
dman108 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  New member
Thanks for the advice I was going to do the second one with this persons who,s art and story,s I thought where pretty amazing but even though I found this useful I actually wanted to know how to add a friend but still this was pretty useful and by the way almost everyone I know on this website seems to like Five night's at Freddy's? oh well I like it to:D (Big Grin) 
Reply
:iconfadingwraith:
FadingWraith Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I should probably get this through my head. Looking at all the things NOT to do and counting how many times you've done them isn't really a good thing i guess ^^; Thank you for making this :3 It helped.
Reply
:iconsunflowerman10:
sunflowerman10 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
so what your saying is just wait.
well i can do that.
Reply
:iconmefan666:
MEfan666 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014
Lol ik ppl who do that. I actually do the opposite though I'm afraid to make any conversation cause that's gonna bother them. Oh we'll, I've become antisocial I guess. Lol
Reply
:iconsadakogi:
Sadakogi Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014
Im finding it a bit hard, but this helped alot thank you very much. :)
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Professional General Artist
You can do it!
Reply
:iconsadakogi:
Sadakogi Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2014
It worked, thanks :D
Reply
:iconsadakogi:
Sadakogi Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
Thank you ill try :)
Reply
:iconspark1efountain:
Spark1eFountain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Friendship is not made by asking for it.
Friendship is not made by being a watcher, follower, fan, or supporter.
Friendship is not made by pretending or acting like it's there.
Friendship is not made by commenting randomly on their art and getting a reply from them.
Friendship is not made by sending 29387859325 notes or comments to them a day.
Friendship is not made by talking to someone one time and them happening to be nice to you in their reply!

THANK YOU! Some people need to learn that. :P
Reply
:iconicefeather31:
Icefeather31 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Student General Artist
I don't know how you can tell, does Deviant Art tell you when some one makes you their friend?? 
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Professional General Artist
I'm talking about actually becoming friends and forming a real bond with someone, not putting someone on a "friend list".
Reply
:iconeveryoneletsmedown:
EveryoneLetsMeDown Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
>c> gosh I'm so bad at making friends I've tried to make dA on other accounts and stuff for idk 5 years and I still haven't made much progress.
This gave me some insight at least
now I gotta figure out how to use it ;v;
Reply
:iconpikachu106:
Pikachu106 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
Not trying to push you, but I'll be your. Friend ;3
Reply
:iconcharacake:
Characake Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Student General Artist
I really want to make friends, but I'm just afraid Im going to be yelled at if I snoop into someones business. I tend to keep out of peoples business..alot.
Reply
:iconpockiiboo:
pockiiboo Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I want to make friends-- but I usually never approach<img> anyone, perhaps I'm too scared of rejection; I can't see any other reasons.
I'm socially awkward and everytime I try to make a joke, it somewhat turns into an insult q v q
Reply
:iconauxuris:
Auxuris Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw what, there's no need to be afraid of rejection^^ 

Don't worry about what others think - most people judge others the same way. If your first thought wouldn't be to push someone away, their first instinct wouldn't be to push you away either.
There are millions of people in the world and certainly not everyone will fit each other, but someone who rejects your friendship outright without getting to know you better wouldn't make a very good friend.

Don't dwell on these sort of incidents, ever (: If you're nervous, try just a simple 'hi', it works wonders.
Reply
:iconsense19:
Sense19 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
  • Wow... This really would helping me alot!... Thanks ^O^ b
:floating: :excited: :floating: :excited: :floating: 
Reply
:iconzoeflameprincess:
ZoeFlamePrincess Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
HEHE! I love pokemon 2!!!:happybounce: Meow :3 
Reply
:iconsimopi:
Simopi Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013
It's good and i totally agree. I know someone who is acting in the wrong way...  The first point is the key, because it's the beginning! But the second is nice too, it's better to leave few but nice comments. True! I think that most of people writes "cute" etc. to conquer the deviant, not because they're excited to support him/her. And it's annoying :/
Reply
:iconmoonwolfyouthotaku:
MoonwolfYouthOtaku Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
After reading this I thought about for a while and realize that take it easy when making friends. True friendships build over time and you need to get to know a person 1 step at a time =)
Reply
:iconfunkitty:
funkitty Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013  Student Digital Artist
i know journal entry this really did help.
I always wanted to make friends on deviantart but i never know what to do (im really shy you know) 
Reply
:iconakatsuu:
Akatsuu Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
wow,

I must say Amber. This is probably the most useful journal I have ever read.

at first, I was extremely nervous about posting this comment because I didn't want to seem like a nuisance to you posting this comment knowing we talked earlier today. Judging from reading this journal I think im more in between with hyperactive and mature. Sure im very hyperactive and im extremely obnoxious and immature sometimes I have to admit that and I bet a lot of people would agree with me. I feel as though im mature when I need to be you know? I've always felt that way like for example. My best friend in this website (and now I know her on facebook) is that type of person that is hyperactive at times and really enjoys my company. When im with someone like you for example im happy and cheerful but im not commenting on your profile with all caps and stuff because I know you wouldn't like that and would think im obsessive and kinda creepy XD. So what im saying is im more hyperactive with my best friend and im more mature when I talk to you. Depending on who it is I do keep a distance from a friend for a period of time because I didn't want to seem obsessive to that person. I have to admit it though I do think people don't like me due to my immaturity and I understand that, I've experienced this. I've been in situations to the point I completely didn't like the person or I didn't trust them at all. I really need to thank you for writing this because this did teach me that being hyperactive and cheerful all the time wont have me make all of the people I meet friends.
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Professional General Artist
This is an old journal dear, so I hope you don't think it's directed at you or anything :c

But I'm happy to hear you were able to get something from it, that's great! x3 You're sweet, I'm sure you can easily make lots of friends c:
Reply
:iconakatsuu:
Akatsuu Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
nah I don't think its directed to me at all! XD I was going though stuff and I just found it! XD

Thank you so much Amber.. ;w;

I really appreciate how nice you are to me its just... ;; I can't describe how happy you make me sometimes! /CRAIS//

im really glad I found this because I am a pretty hyperactive person and some of the people I encountered seemed to dislike it and didn't want to be my friend because of it. What really bothers me is that when someone doesn't like you but they treat you as if they are your friend or something.... like.. its hard to explain. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I have a feeling that someone I consider a friend completely dislikes me but they treat me as though their my friend... it really upsets me because I'd rather get a really harsh note saying "Hey your really bothering me and I don't want to be your friend blablabla" than have someone treat me as a friend when they really don't like me.... I know this is random but I feel as though I needed to share this with you since were talking about friendships.. ;;
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Professional General Artist
*nods* I completely understand. And you're right, if someone ever has a problem with anyone, they should definitely make it known! It's ridiculous that we're all "big kids" now but some people feel that pretending to be friends is necessary. Sad, really :/

I wish you the best though! x3
Reply
:iconakatsuu:
Akatsuu Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
t-thank you so much Amber! :,D

I really wish you the best in everything as well! <33

I know,

some people here are just extremely immature and always ask to be friends, especially the popular artists such as you, vespie, and rii. I do see a lot of that on all of their profiles and it does annoy me.. I just hate it when people ask to be friends because friendship is never asked! I find it hard to believe that people think asking to be friends is the main key to making friends when in actuality it makes that person not trust the other.
Reply
:iconmujakikid:
MujakiKid Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013  Student General Artist
This all makes perfect sense and is great advice, but I feel like I have the opposite problem... I'm such a loner that I never want to bother anyone or make a spectacle of myself (certainly not appear desperate), and I can't think of anything to say, so I end up never making any friends at all. I don't think I've made any meaningful online OR real life friends in like 5 years. ._. I try giving compliments containing some sort of specific observation of an art piece or common interest, but it's like you said, that is just a nice gesture, not a basis for friendship. Life rolls on and nothing changes. But you're right, it's better than going around juggling a million fake friends. Nobody has time for that!
Reply
:iconangel-of-time:
angel-of-time Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
So true.
I wish People would ask themselves, "would I like that if someone did this to me?"
One should always place oneself into the other users position :)
Reply
:iconnaoki-wolf:
Naoki-Wolf Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh my goodness, this journal is the essence of life. Haha Ill be sure to link some people to this the next time I come across some creeper.

But anyway, very well thought out and nicely written! I enjoyed reading that and think more people need to mind these things if they genuinely want to be a friend (been a little cautious because some people are obviously just in it for the art).
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
Yes sadly a lot of people just try to make friends for art, it's disgustingly crude... but happens often. :C

Thankfully it becomes obvious rather fast so if you catch it quick, there isn't any harm done!

Glad you liked the post though haha. I felt that it needed to be said!
Reply
:iconblazewatersage:
BlazeWaterSage Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013
This is really good advise to give out. I'll be perfectly honest and say that i've probably made a few mistakes but I have a hard time trying to catch myself before realising it. This'll be really helpful to keep looking back on and fully understanding everything as to not make the same mistakes
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
I'm glad you like it! I think everyone does some things a little out of line, but those are easily acceptable and excusable. The trick is to not do it all the time!
Reply
:iconblazewatersage:
BlazeWaterSage Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013
hehe yeah. I'm gonna try my best and learn from past mistakes and learn from the journal hehehe
Reply
:iconmimisparkle:
MimiSparkle Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
…this is my fault. I hate to sound like a victim but this journal is totally my fault. On top of it my apology for my creepy comment sounded obnoxious, and I'm really not, I just desperately wanted to apologize. Amber I'm so sorry. I hate to make you uncomfortable, anyone uncomfortable. I've got a thing for not thinking before I talk/type. I'm younger than you anyway there's no way I can be some sorta perv. Your art is amazing and you've got incredible friends (like Lo-Gi-Oh I'm assuming) that appreciate your art.
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
um.... what? I don't even know what you're referring to in the slightest! This isn't about you! Everyone keeps thinking it's about them gaaaaah

I do recall an odd message left by you on something of mine, to which I replied awkwardly "Um.. thanks" since I didn't even know what you were talking about..

And then you replied kind of.. er, crazily? And panic-y? I'd definitely advise you to calm down a bit, but this journal was not made with you in mind.

(In fact, I barely remembered your comment, I had to go back and check to be sure.)

Though if I must be honest with you, your overreacting needlessly both here and in that aforementioned comment is really unnerving. To me it appears you may be...unstable?? Just so you know, that kind of approaching behavior often is a "turn-off" for people you'd like as potential friends! Just calm down, and don't stress so much!
Reply
:iconmimisparkle:
MimiSparkle Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It wasn't about me? Well that makes me feel so much better… and the fact the comment didn't come off as creepy to you. Sorry, I tend to spam stupidly when I wanna get a point across X< Of course, I should know, it doesn't work very well at all. I do that kind of stuff so often and just feel stupid. And I'm not even crazy (I think I said that already). In fact, my friends think I'm rather quiet and shy.

You're totally right, I should get a grip when I make an accidentally wierd comment and apologize earnestly and calmly and forget about the stress I'm so overwhelmed with. I wouldn't seem so much like a freak-out that I'm not. But really… the fact that I, and apparently other people, didn't cause this journal is quite relieving. I want everyone to be happy on dA and communicate nicely :)
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
I'm glad you're able to take something form it then! That shows you have a lot of maturity in accepting your actions, I respect that a lot. C:

Best of luck to you! :3
Reply
:iconmimisparkle:
MimiSparkle Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconiloveyoutooplz: Merp, that means so much because my friends also think I'm childish and nave x3 That's a huge compliment, thank you. :')

Same to you and your art! ^^
Reply
:iconpuffinface:
puffinface Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. It's good for people like that to learn that what they're doing is wrong.
Reply
:icontwistedviolinist:
TwistedViolinist Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I've had this happen in real life before...pretty exhausting :x
Reply
:iconu-r-i:
U-r-i Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very good. I remember a day when I've uploaded a pic of mine and a guy wanted to be my bf .____. this is the creepiest thing I saw on my life, lol. Hope young users on dA can read it, it's very useful! (by the way sorry for my bad english)
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
Ohgosh yes, I'm too afraid to post anything of my real self on here for fear of the creepers ;A;

I hope it will help people out!
Reply
:iconu-r-i:
U-r-i Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I see, however, I must to do the same, there's a lot of creepy people here :noes:

I hope it too, because there's few journals so useful like this one, seriously, you've used correct words for the tips
Reply
:iconsingabrightsong:
SingABrightSong Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Does this have anything to do with me? I was worried that I was being creepy... Sorry... -sigh-.
Reply
:iconeevie-chu:
Eevie-chu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
No, it doesn't! Why is everyone assuming this is about them??? This is not aimed at anyone, it's a public service announcement. Since I've been seeing this a lot lately around, I felt it was time to write it.

There are a couple people in particular whom I think should read it and understand it, but they definitely know who they are because I told them this specifically.

Don't be so paranoid, okay? xD
Reply
:iconsingabrightsong:
SingABrightSong Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Oh good. Heh. Haven't you learned yet ;)? Everyone automatically assumes things are about them.

Glad I'm not one of them.

I'm paranoid about everything. One time I heard my own footsteps and thought somebody was following me.
Reply
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